I remember the day I felt called by God to become an author, or to at least use my books for His kingdom and not my own. My husband was doing a men's study at our church called Man School, and one of his homework assignments was to watch a video where Francis Chan (author of Crazy Love and Forgotten God) was sharing his desire to become a millionaire. This immediately caught my attention because I wanted to be a millionaire, just for all the wrong reasons.
Francis is a Pastor, and he asked God to give him the ability to become a millionaire, so he could give the money to further God's kingdom on earth. In that moment, when my shame met this man's faith, I was gutted. Sobs wracked my body, and my husband paused the video.
"Are you alright, babe?" he had asked, rubbing my back as I ugly cried.
I couldn't verbally answer him. The words stuck in my mouth like taffy. What could I say? I was writing for all of the wrong reasons. I wanted to be successful, so that my name would be known... not God's. I motioned for my husband to resume the video, even though the tears did not cease pouring down my face. I knew I had to hear what Francis Chan had to say. I knew this moment would be life changing. I knew God was speaking through Francis Chan to me, and that I would never be the same.
After the video, I excused myself from the family room and hustled upstairs. My husband followed closely behind, fearful of my overwhelming emotional reaction to Francis Chan's message. After quickly explaining that I was alright, my husband nodded his head and sat next to me on the bed as I wrote a covenant with God. From that day forward, I would only write the words God entrusted me to write. Every book, every story, every sentence was His, and I would do whatever He chose me to do with the talent He gifted me with. Whatever.
I wish I could say that life immediately changed for me. That God healed me instantaneously of my selfish desires to be seen and known. Change doesn't work that way. It's been about eight years since I made that covenant with God, and I still struggle on a minute by minute basis to live my Kingdom purpose. There have been moments where I became angry with God because my writing career hasn't moved as swiftly as I thought it should. I am still in a season of waiting, but I know one day God will open the floodgates. One day, writing will be my career.
Until that day, I will wake up each morning, get ready to come to work, and teach each student God places in my path. I will carve out the time that is necessary to become better at my craft. I will write. I will pray. I will do the hard work to become the woman God designed me to be. Oh, and if he chooses to make me a millionaire, like Francis Chan, I will give away the first million I make to build God's Kingdom, and more beyond that, even if that means I have to wait further for my moment to be a stay at home author.
You see, it's not about my dream. It's not about my books. It's not about me. That's something I am beginning to realize... one word at at time.