That Person is Me

"There is someone I love, even though I don't approve of what [she] does. There is someone I accept, though some of [her] thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though [she] hurts the people I love the most. THAT PERSON IS ME."

-CS Lewis

Often, I say the most hurtful things, especially to or about myself, and I wish with all of my might that I didn't. Truth be told, I wish I could love myself the way I love my children and husband, or the way I love a stranger on the street in need of help. See, I have so much love for everyone else, even the stranger, but when it comes to giving myself grace... that is almost nonexistent.

I could lie to your face right now and pretend to love myself. The fact is I'm good at lying, especially to myself. I could spout words of encouragement about my self-acceptance, and how I long to be healthy, and then seconds later call myself a fat, ugly woman who used to be beautiful. Lately, I've found myself apologizing to my husband because I've gained more than thirty pounds over the past three years, even though he could care less. He loves every wrinkle, gray hair, and ounce of skin I live in, and though he could shout this from the rooftops until he is blue in the face, I still won't believe him.

Why is it that negative talk is always believable but compliments are almost impossible to swallow? Why do I roll my eyes every time my husband tells me I am beautiful? Why do I care so much about a number on a scale or the size of my pants? Why can't I ever feel like I am enough? Exactly as I am? In this moment?

I wish I could answer those questions. In fact, I've longed to answer them for most of my life, but I can't. At some point in my childhood, I believed the lie that beauty was more than skin deep... it was my identity. Though I now seek my identity in Christ, there are those lingering feelings that whisper I will never be enough. When I get into this funk, I am not kind to anyone around me. Depression seeps from my pores, and I become overly critical of anything and everything. I am surrounded by the abyss, and it is almost impossible to see the light. But then...

But then... I forgive myself.

But then... I take another step.

But then... I remember how far I have come.

But then... I smile at my wrinkles and gray hair.

But then... I remember that I am becoming healthy and breaking each bad habit I have spent a lifetime building.

CS Lewis is correct. I don't always approve of my actions, but I love myself, nonetheless. My actions and thoughts can revolt me, but I accept myself despite of my set backs. I hurt the people I love most, including myself, but forgiveness sets me free. I am that person. That person is me. And maybe that person is you, too. Own it. Face it. And finally move past it.