“Controlling a person is not leading a person.”
-Pastor Matt Brown
This morning, I was listening to my church's podcast, The Debrief Show. I had already been praying for what I was supposed to write about today on my blog, when the first question came into the show. A woman and her husband were not on the same page about having kids, and my pastor quoted 1 Corinthians 13:5: "[Love] does not demand its own way..." Bam! Like a wet towel slapping me in the face while I slept, this verse woke me up.
I am a super demanding person, and this week my demanding nature has gone up ten decibels, which makes perfect sense to my hearing impaired self. The first event that rocked my sanity was the fact that my husband ate the gluten free mac and cheese that I was going to use to make for dinner, and I hounded him for it. Forget the fact that he had vacuumed my house, did the dishes, and the laundry. He ate my gluten free mac and cheese, so he was deserving of a tongue lashing. Seriously, I yelled at this amazing man for eating my mac and cheese, but my controlling didn't stop there. Nope, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Watch out any ships named Titanic because I'm about to sink ya.
After the mac and cheese fiasco, we had the movie theater drama, which I've already blogged about this week. If you haven't read about me acting like a toddler in front of a crowd of movie goers and my sons, please feel free to stop reading this post and read the post entitled "Frazzled, Irked, and Done...". There's a picture of a wet cat with bulging yellow eyes attached to the post. You can't miss it, though part of me hopes you do. Even though I strive daily to be authentic, there are some things I do that I'm not proud of. Many of which happened this week.
So, you'd think I learned a thing or two about gratitude and self control after my movie theater debacle, but you'd be wrong, dear reader. See, I was just getting warmed up. I don't think I've asked my husband or kids to do anything this week. No, instead I barked orders at them, like they were soldiers preparing for battle, and their mission was under my watch.
"Do the dishes. Vacuum the floor. Pick up your socks. I'm the boss!" My voice echoed through our house.
Last night, I had another epic flop. My husband was opening a bottle of wine that he had bought for me about two weeks ago for my birthday. He knew I was a bit high strung, and that my mind hasn't been shutting down at night, making sleep for me about as comfortable as wet polyester pants. As he was uncorking the wine bottle, it slipped from his hand and connected with the edge of my quartz countertop. Crack! The chips fell... literally. A quarter sized chip fell from the counter somewhere below.
"You broke my counter," I moaned, blinking my eyes a few times to see if I could magically make the counter come back together again.
"I'm sorry, Babe," my husband stammered, desperately searching for the chip to fit back into the counter. "I'll fix it."
Instead of screaming at him, I sank to the floor and put my head in my hands. "You broke my kitchen. My pretty kitchen is broken," I spluttered on a loop.
IT'S A COUNTER! Seriously, a kitchen counter. In the grand scheme of life, it's not a big deal. In five years, this counter will be outdated and tired, and I am sure there will be loads of chips and cracks in it. It will have to be replaced. But you know what can't be replaced? My husband.
The poor guy was on his hands and knees, using the flashlight on his phone to find a chipped piece of my counter. In fact, the only reason my counter is chipped to begin with is because this man was opening a bottle of wine, so I could unwind. We don't drink very often, so this was a special occasion. Instead of letting this miniscule event go, I crumbled under the weight of a quarter sized chip. Seriously!
I realize I have issues with control. That's why I see a therapist, aside from some of my other interesting quirks. Chaos irritates me. I like order. I like structure. But that's not life, or at least, that's not living. Life is messy. Life is always on the edge of the abyss. I can't demand my own way because that isn't love. If I love my family, and I do, then I need to find a healthy way to relinquish control. Maybe I'll start by giving up my next box of gluten free mac and cheese--kind of like a peace offering.
Then again, let's not get too crazy. :P
If you'd like to watch the episode of The Debrief Show mentioned in this post, click the Youtube video below. Have a rad day and remember you are loved!