I know what you're thinking, or at least I think I do. That's often a big problem of mine. I assume I know what people are thinking of me, especially if those assumptions are negative.
"She thinks I'm fat," I'll often say to my husband.
"How do you know that?" He'll often respond.
"Well, it's obvious. Did you see the way she looked at me... at my stomach rolls. Yep, that woman hates me and thinks I'm fat. I'm never wearing this shirt again. Could we go to Kohls so I can buy a girdle? Then, people won't stare at my fat stomach and assume I'm a horrible person."
This is an actual event that happened, and yes, my husband did buy me a girdle, even though he profusely disagreed with my reasoning behind wanting one. Shocker of the world... the girdle didn't stop these negative self-images. I still assumed people thought I was fat, ugly, incompetent. You name it, and I probably thought it. Little did I know, thinking I knew what other people thought about me was a terrible mental place to be, which actually increased my anxiety and depression. Thinking I knew what other people thought about me was making me mentally unstable... who would have thunk it?
Often, I attribute these thoughts to people who I envy. There's this woman at my church who is crazy talented, beautiful, thin, and she can make a scarf look like art on her neck. I am envious of her scarf skills. Like seriously jealous. When I wear a scarf it looks like my neck is suffocating, but she can make the dang thing look like a freaking flower delicately placed on her neckline. A delicate flower, y'all... made from a scarf. Trust me when I say, she is everything I've always thought I should be, and that's the beginning of my problems. I believed who I was wasn't enough, or in some cases, was too much... hence my desire for a girdle.
Back to this woman I have deemed to be perfection incarnate. (I mean, the woman makes overalls look stylish, but I digress.) There have been times when I have attempted communication with said woman, and as soon as I opened my mouth I resorted to sounding like a nonverbal orangutan. Her eyebrows furrowed together and she stared at me. I knew what she was thinking, or so I assumed. She had to be thinking I was the most annoying woman on the earth, and she longed to be as far away from my presence as physically possible. Any self-esteem I had mustered in that moment to speak to the woman who scarves bend for, was instantly replaced with self-loathing.
How far away could I run? Would anyone notice if I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the church service? Sure, I'm the church's usher lead, but does my team really need me? I mean honestly... who needs me? That's when the slippery slope of depression would find me, yet again.
This is the cycle I find myself in over and over again... my own personal hamster wheel. I say something embarrassing to someone I hold on a platform above myself, and then I assume I know what they're thinking of me: typically negative thoughts about my flacid scarf and limp hair. The problem is I don't really know what these people are thinking. What if that woman made a face in my direction because I was standing near the restroom and she had gas... or diarrhea? What if the perfect woman at my church really isn't perfect? What if she struggles making friends because women are intimidated by her? What if she wears perfect scarf flowers because she thinks her neck is too skinny? Hey, it could happen.
I guess where I'm going with this rambling post is that we have to stop assuming we know what's going on in someone else's mind. We have to stop attributing our negative thoughts for another person's malicious intent. Here's an idea... what if instead of thinking this woman hates me, I actually give her the benefit of the doubt? What if I come to the realization that she may have negative voices in her head telling her she's not enough, too? What if I just stopped assuming?
In the end, we are all just broken people. Many of us are trying to be better than we were yesterday, or five minutes ago. Let's start extending grace to each other. Let's stop believing the lies of those negative thoughts, and let's begin with our biggest enemy... ourselves.
Many of these realizations have com from me reading this amazing book entitled Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. If you're interested in learning more about your mind issues, I highly suggest reading this book.
